Ep #135: Money Guilt and the Fear of Outgrowing the People Around You

Hey, woman entrepreneur. If you have ever felt guilty about making more money than the people around you, there's a reason that's coming up for you right now. Because once your business starts making real money, it doesn't just change your income. It brings up things you did not necessarily expect to feel. And that can feel more complicated than you expected. I'm Kendall, and in this episode, we're talking about money guilt, what it really is, where it comes from, and how to keep expanding your income without making yourself smaller in the process. It's all here for you in this episode of The Money Coach School Podcast. Let's dive in.

Welcome to The Money Coach School Podcast. To really excel at coaching women, you have to be skilled, confident, and even fearless at money coaching. If you're passionate about women holding genuine money power and love supporting women entrepreneurs, then this is the show for you. Now, here's your host, money feminist Kendall SummerHawk.

Hey, woman entrepreneur. If you have ever felt guilty making more money than people around you, this episode is definitely for you. Money guilt is one of the most real and yet the least talked about experiences you may have as your income grows. And it shows up in subtle ways. It shows up in what you say, in what you don't say, and how you adjust yourself in the moment. And in this episode, we're going to be getting into what money guilt actually is and why it shows up, what it means to earn more than people close to you, the generational patterns you may be carrying, and the real-life situations where this plays out. And most importantly, how to expand your income without making yourself smaller in the process.

All right. So before we dive in, go ahead and click the follow. If you could do that for me, I would so greatly appreciate it. I am your money coach, and every episode here is designed to expand your cash flow, to strengthen how you make money decisions, and for you to create financial independence. So you definitely don't want to miss an episode, and the best way to make sure that doesn't happen is to click the follow button.

All right, so let's go into the first point here. Point number one, what money guilt actually is. It's not the number in your bank account. It's actually the emotional weight that shows up when your reality starts to look very different than the people around you. When your growth creates contrast, when your life begins to expand in ways that aren't necessarily shared by the people around you. By shared, I mean they're not getting to experience the same thing. And that's when it can feel complicated. You can feel proud and uncomfortable at the same time. You can feel excited and aware, grateful, and also a little on edge about how to handle it with other people and how it lands with other people.

Because money, for women especially, has always been tied to belonging, to connection, which is a very basic core need for us as human beings. The need to be understood and accepted and part of our tribe. So when your income starts to shift, your nervous system is reading that as more than just financial. It's reading it as, what does this mean about me right now? Where do I fit? Am I still one of them?

And this is the part that doesn't get talked about enough. Making more money than people close to you can feel like a risk. It can feel like a risk to the relationship. I remember going through that with my brother and having to have a very open conversation with him, and he was fine with it. I was the one making up the story. I was the one making up the story. He said, "Way to go, Kiko," because Kiko is my nickname that he gave me when we were little kids. Anyway, it can be seen as a risk to how you are seen, you know, how people perceive you, a risk to staying connected in the ways you've always been connected.

So your mind starts trying to solve for that, to stay relatable, to stay easy to be around, to stay acceptable, to stay within a version of success that doesn't stretch the dynamic too much, even when your life is asking for something bigger of you. And this is where you start to feel it in your relationships.

All right, point number two is what it means to make more than others. Making more money than people close to you can feel like a separation, like a disconnect, like you're no longer on the same page, like something about you is now different. And that difference can feel really uncomfortable. Not because there's anything wrong with having more. I mean, that's what you want, and that's our basic human nature is to grow. But it's uncomfortable because it changes the dynamic. It changes how you relate, what you talk about, what feels shared, and what experiences you share.

And for a lot of women, there's an instinct to manage that and to tamp it down, to stay relatable, to make sure no one else feels uncomfortable around you. Because of course, connection matters. Connection's one of my core values in life, so this was a really big piece for me is how to be making a lot more money than the people around me and still feel connected to them, to not have to relinquish that connection or even worse, to not have it just diminished.

So especially when you're the one whose life is starting to look different, this becomes a thing, right? This is still a trigger for me. As soon as I started making seven figures, because I've made 30 million dollars in my business, that's a lot of money. But I'll never forget the first year I started that I made seven figures, I was vastly aware of the difference between my income and my coaching peers and my horse friends. And I remember feeling really awkward and feeling out of step for a period of time.

And what changed that for me was realizing that I was the one making that difference, not them. I was the one creating a problem when they weren't doing that. They were actually really supportive, and they looked at me as a leader and certainly as an inspiration. And I did a whole podcast about being the guardian of your dream. I would really encourage you to listen to it. It's podcast number 32, episode number 32. So it's one of my very early ones, but it's still incredibly relevant today. And I'll link to it in the show notes.

So I had to realize that me being triggered by making more and feeling that money guilt didn't actually start with me. It's like, where did it come from? And that's what I want to talk about next, point number three, the generational layer of what you're carrying. For so many women, this goes deeper than just your current relationships. There is a generational layer there. And I probably should do an episode about this just this specifically because there's so much to it.

So you might be the one who's earning more than your parents ever did. Certainly, that's true for me. And by the way, earning more than my mom. My mother was very successful as a hairdresser, me growing up. So she did really well. I never knew exactly how much my dad made. I know my mom made just as much, if not more, than he did. But me making so much more than my dad ever did, that one was really triggering for me. Or maybe you're the one who's no longer living inside the same financial patterns that you were raised in. Or maybe you're the one who sees a completely different future when it comes to money and stability and what's possible. And I know that was true for me.

And with that, you know, generational weight that you're carrying, comes these unspoken messages. You don't outgrow people. Don't make others uncomfortable. Stay within what's familiar. And this is so especially true for us women because women making this kind of money is just within our lifetime. For me, it's just in the latter half of my lifetime.

So when your life expands, it can feel like you're holding more than just your own experience. It's like there's an emotional weight that comes with having more. You're holding expectations and patterns and unspoken rules about what's acceptable. You know, my mom, when I was about 12, built a really beautiful house. It was in Sunset magazine a couple times. It was really special. And then my grandparents bought the property next door and they had the same architect design a house for them. So I grew up with my mother's parents living next door to me from the time I was 12 until I was about 17. And that was a very, very wonderful, special experience. And we had spent a lot of time together before that anyway, but even more so then.

So my grandfather, he came from Austria-Hungary, and when he was about five years old, he immigrated here and in the bottom of a ship, you know, very, very poor, grew up in New York, very, very poor. Never got beyond eighth grade, didn't get to go beyond that. He was smart. He was self-educated. He ended up being very successful, first as a musician in the big bands. I mean, he was very successful. And then later, he sold insurance and was very successful. And yet, when you met him, he didn't show his wealth until he finally bought a Porsche. That was the only time he showed his wealth. But he would always tell me not to let other people see how much money you have. Don't do that. Keep it a secret. And so that pattern of hiding money, of scarcity, of holding tight to what you have, and don't trust others, was a prevalent message that I grew up with.

So here's what I want to offer you. What you're feeling isn't yours. It's inherited. It was learned. It's absorbed from years of watching how money was handled, talked about, or avoided. But now you're the one in a position to change that, to change that narrative.

All right, so let's go to point number four, which is how does money guilt show up in your day-to-day life? And this is where money guilt gets pretty practical. For example, it's covering the entire dinner when you're out with friends because it feels easier than navigating the difference in your income. This was a big one for me. I would always pick up the tab going out with friends. And I did it because the discomfort of splitting the bill when I knew I could pay for it without any question, without any problem, that discomfort was so great, I would just cave in every time. And I remember caving in and paying for the bill didn't come from a place of generosity, it came from a place of fear.

So I had to work really hard to stop doing that and to be clear about it up front when we went out. I didn't make it a big deal. I would just say when we were seated, I would say, "Let's plan on splitting the check equally. Does that sound good to everybody?" Or I would say, "Let's plan on separate checks." And of course, everybody would agree. It was fine. And sometimes I still did pick up the bill, but at least then it was from a place of generosity.

Maybe for you, it's taking a beautiful trip with your family and barely talking about it or sharing it in a way that makes it feel smaller. It's editing your decisions in real time, what you invest in, how you spend, how you let your life expand based on how it might sit with someone else. It's holding back on what you really want because it feels like too much compared to what others around you are choosing or are able to do. And that's a big piece. That's a really big piece to recognize. You know, it's not about the thing itself. It's about the comparison sitting underneath it.

Now, these may sound like small moments, but they really add up because every time you adjust yourself to manage how other people might feel, you're the one absorbing that impact. And over time, that creates a ceiling. So if that's been happening for you, then obviously, a shift is necessary. That brings me to point number five.

The shift is connecting without self-editing. The shift is connection without self-editing. It's understanding that you can stay deeply connected to people and still expand. You can love your family, your friends, your community, and have a completely different financial reality. You can be generous and kind and thoughtful and also fully expressed in your success. Now, those things are not in conflict, even if it feels like they might be right now.

Real connection, it does not require you to edit yourself. Please write that down. Real connection does not require you to edit yourself. It does not require you to shrink your life so that other people can feel comfortable inside of it. It allows for difference. It allows for space for expansion. All right? And that brings me to point number six about what changes because what changes is internal. This is an internal game.

So letting yourself have what you've created without minimizing it. That's the game here. Letting your life reflect your growth without packaging it into in a way that feels easier for other people to accept, letting people have their own experience or their own reactions. There was a time where I wanted a lot of massage work. I don't do massage anymore. I do physical therapy and I need to go to her office because of her equipment. But there were like five, six years where I had a masseuse come to my home every week and work on me. She also did the horses, and so we would do all of that, you know, at the same session. I had private Pilates in my house, even though my house is not really set up well for that. But you know, I've had all these services and did all these things. My horse trainer comes every single day to my home. I love that kind of service. You know, my love language is acts of service, and I love that. To me, that feels luxurious and that feels rich. But a lot of people don't do that. You know, that's not what a lot of people do. So I have to be okay with other people saying, "Wow, you have a trainer come to your house every day?" It's like, well, yeah.

So, and you have to be okay with people having their own experience or reactions without taking responsibility for them. And that can be big. Because you're no longer organizing your decisions around a shared comfort. Really take that in. And because you're not here to regulate how everyone else gets to feel about your success, you're here to live your life. And the truth is this, you have no idea what an inspiration you may be being for other people. You have no idea how your leadership, how your willingness to live your life and let your success start to show is inspiring and motivating and sets a beautiful example for other people. You really have no idea. I think it's safe to assume, though, that it happens.

All right, and that brings me to point number seven. Your values don't change as you make more money, your capacity does. So as your identity expands with money, your core values don't disappear. They just don't. If you're kind, you're still going to be kind. I am a deeply kind person. If you care about people, you still care about people. If generosity matters to you, it still matters. None of that changes.

What changes, though, is the scale. What changes is the capacity in which you're able to demonstrate this, the way you get to live those values with more choice, more intention, more power, more impact behind them because you are better resourced. So the idea that you have to pull back to stay you, that's just not the truth. You're still you, just with more available resources to make a bigger difference in the world.

All right, so let's bring this all together. If money guilt has been showing up for you, I want you to recognize it for what it actually is. This isn't a signal to hold back. It's a signal that you're expanding beyond what used to feel normal. That's normal. That's okay. It's what happens when your income expands beyond what feels familiar in your relationships. And your work here, your job, your role, your place of self-growth is to stay connected to yourself as that happens, to keep choosing what's true for you, to let your income grow without making it mean something about how you belong.

Money guilt doesn't get to set the limit. Don't let it do that. Because when you see this clearly, you understand where the guilt is coming from. You see what you've been carrying that actually isn't yours, and you recognize the moments where it's shaping your decisions and you can choose something different. And if you're really honest, you likely already see where money guilt starts to shape your pricing. I see, I do a lot of coaching on money, obviously, exclusively these days, and on pricing. And so I see this all the time.

So this is where The Pricing Room™ becomes actually a really powerful option for you to step into. You know, I always say pricing is your wealth portal because every integrity-aligned price that you set isn't just a number, it reflects what you're available for. And it reflects what you're no longer willing to hold yourself back from. And of course, pricing is the number one way and the simplest way to make a dramatic change in your income.

So I want to invite you inside The Pricing Room™ because inside, you get weekly coaching and training and pricing tools. It blends beautifully with any other coaching program you might be in because this is strictly about pricing and it's just a few hours a month and yet the impact is priceless. The impact is phenomenal. You get that emotional support to stay anchored in your pricing as you expand your business. And I help you with the language to stand behind your rates with clarity and conviction.

Now, we're still, if you're listening to this in real time, we're still in the founding member rate. This window is closing very, very soon. So we are still at the $38 a month or you can choose the annual option, which is $380. So you get two months free. And I know it's a crazy low price. This is our founding member rate. We are increasing it very, very soon. There's no contract. You can cancel anytime. You can go to KendallSummerHawk.com/pricingroom and check that out. And I'll also link to it below this episode in the show notes.

So here's the final thought I want to leave you with. Money guilt does not get to decide how much you're allowed to have. No freaking way. Because more money in your hands means more resources. It means more support. It means more generosity. It means more ability to create the kind of life and the impact that you deeply care about. It's about allowing yourself to be fully resourced and using that resource, money, intentionally with all the passion and the purpose that you have for making a difference in this world.

All right. You've got this. And I want to thank you so much for being here, and I will see you in the next episode.

Thank you so much for tuning into this week's episode of The Money Coach School Podcast. If you enjoyed this podcast, make sure you follow so you never miss an episode. Also, I would so love and appreciate if you would leave a 5-star review. Your review supports women just like you in discovering all of the juicy tips and insights I’m sharing here on how to coach women on money.

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